What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Who then, do I blame.?

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

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One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

What are some prime examples of gibberish from the bible?

Ive learnt so much.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

What are Chinese hot pot restaurants? What do they serve, and why is it so popular in China?

I was very sick at this time too.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I could never make a relationship work though!

How much should one budget to travel for 1 month generally?

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

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I will be 64.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Would this be the day?

Why are European countries warning European travelers to be careful traveling to the United States?

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

(And it was in our own minds.)

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I write beautiful poetry .

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

On the 31st of Jan this month .

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

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I never cut or harmed myself..

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

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It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

What was the worst spanking you got growing up?

What did i know ?

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Why are black women the largest unmarried group in the United States of America?

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

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I had hoped to write a book about this .

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Why did i forgive my father ?

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

So whats the point in blame.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

And i lived it daily.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

We were not on the streets..

She found it foreign!.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I couldn’t, believe it.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Was to survive, this bastard.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Especially a lifetime of it.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

Im still living with it.

My life is so biszare .

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

One cannot live in the past .

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

But it wasn’t much.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

This is soul school!.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

He knew the spot.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

But, we were locked up after school.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

As i do to all so called friends.?

Im dying but, im not bitter.

She wouldn,t have been !

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I think the readers, may guess!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

It was going to be , some day.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

And who doesn’t know suffering?

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I was 9 years of age.

I said to her

We all went to grammer schools

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I was seconnd youngest,

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I have no regrets .

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I don,t even have a pension.

I was scared of men, in general

My mum and dad in the seventies!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

My family never makes their pension either.

Comes on , in middle age.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

All the time i was locked up.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I waited trembling.

Put me off passion for life!!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

She was in good health!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

She married twice! .

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

When she asked me how she looked .

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

So, i spoilt her more .

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

She loved him until the end.